The Monster Club Hyperextended: Part of the Briterion Collection

 

I tried numerous times to join The Monster Club, only to be sent a cordial yet forceful rejection in turn. It seems they only have need for one token human — R. Chetwynd-Hayes. I tried to tell them that he is dead and that they should have a living representative, but I was informed that as long as he is paying the dues his membership will continue.

The film documentary of The Monster Club (aptly titled “The Monster Club”) stars Vincent Price, John Carradine, Donald Pleasance, Britt Ekland, and Patrick Magee. In it, they explore a very limited cross-section of monster genealogy.  Namely, these were vampires, humgoos, and shadmocks in detail though the club itself had the usual menagerie. 

Incidentally, The Monster Club is part of the Briterion Collection for reasons that follow.

Vincent Price’s character, Erasmus, edified us with a little more detail on the birds and the bees of monsters.  Stemming from the primate monsters, vampires, werewolves, and ghouls, a host of other creatures may emerge from breeding. Throw humans into the mix and you have some interesting combinations.

Erasmus explained that, “a vampire and a werewolf would produce a werevamp. A werewolf and a ghoul would produce a weregoo. But a vampire and a ghoul would produce a vamgoo.

A weregoo and a werevamp would produce a shaddy. Now, a weregoo and a vamgoo would produce a maddy. But a werevamp and a vamgoo would produce a raddy.

Now, if a shaddy were to mate with a raddy or a maddy , the results would be a mock.”

A mock, you ask? 

“Frankly, that’s just a polite name for a mongrel…if a mock were to mate with any of the other hybrids, their offspring would be called shamocks.”

The Monster Club movie, as well as the book, only delve ankle-deep into the monster gene pool.  For instance, did you know that Shaddy, Raddy, and Maddy combinations with the primate monsters produce some interesting children? The wooly horned wuvee, the cycloptic wugee, and the creepy vugoo can be some results.  And with human monster breeding, we see examples such as the huvamp and the werehume. The list goes on.

In fact, many of us today are distant relatives of those creatures. While we may not suck, hunt, tear, or even whistle there are interesting side-effects that come from having monster relatives. One of them is the proclivity to migrate towards certain professions.

There is a disproportionate amount of vampire descendants as lawyers, for example. Werewolf ancestry can lead to a career in the food industry, strangely enough. And ghouls? There are a great many ghoul relatives that are serving in the political arena.

I, myself, have long suspected vampire ancestry in my blood. I have a repulsion to garlic, you see. And my eldest and youngest children have an aversion to wooden kitchen implements and pale skin. There was only one way to be sure — a PNA test.

Historically more accurate than a DNA test, a PNA test (Psychic Neurological Analysis) determines your monster/human parentage.  Better yet, this can be done with a psychic connection established solely through electronic means just by sending an email.

I imprinted my psychic energy on an email and sent it to the PNA testing facility.  Within a week, they returned a Monsternity Test back to me.  Sure enough, I had vampire ancestry.  Also, werewolf was in way back in the woodpile there, too.  That explains why my middle child likes to cook.

While I am under a strict nondisclosure agreement with the PNA testing facility, they will allow me to forward emails to them for monster genealogical testing. If you would like to know your monster parentage, I would be happy to do so.  It only costs 47 minutes of your life force (on sale from four hours and thirty-seven minutes).   

Simply email me at BrianJamesLane@writeme.com with the subject line of “MONSTERNITY TEST” and I will forward it to the company.  When they reply to me, I will respond back to you with your test results.  When they are collecting the psychic payment, you may feel a little dizzy or disoriented.  

What is 47 minutes of your life, anyway? For less than the time to watch “The Monster Club”, you can see if you have monsters in your ancestry.  And do you know what?  With my PNA test results, I was finally accepted.

Yes, I am now a card-carrying member of The Monster Club.